i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
