the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
