Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
