I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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