i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
