I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
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