Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
