My room smells like vodka and shame
I look better un-naked...
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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