I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
