News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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