I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
