So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
