Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
