So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
