I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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