My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
50% drunk capacity currently
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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