I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
