So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
