we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
