Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
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Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
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I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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