Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
