nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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