is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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