my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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