You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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