Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
