when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.