and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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