So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
