I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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