i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
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