You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Randomize
