it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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