who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
