If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I want to be your penis for a week.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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