hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
