Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Randomize
