How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
