i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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