it was like eating out sand paper
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
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