I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
I'm really busy with my period
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