Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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