Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Randomize
