I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Randomize
