Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
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