when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
