he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Randomize
