The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
