My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Pants are for mortals
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
