god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
