New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
