Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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