I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
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I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
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I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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