To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
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