There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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