Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Be still, my beating vagina.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Randomize
