3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
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Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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