I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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