Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
