I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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