my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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