I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
